5 Tips for Getting Out of Survival Mode

One of the few benefits of parenting in the age of social media is that the many challenges of motherhood have been given a voice in the Instagram posts and Facebook groups of tired mammas everywhere. We’ve been able to normalize the challenges of breastfeeding, crowdsource ideas for picky eaters, and speak openly about the darker, lonelier aspects of motherhood. 

Of course, the downside of parenting in the age of social media is pretty much everything else. So, we take the good with the bad. 

One phenomenon I’ve heard discussed more frequently in recent years is the idea of “survival mode.” In an age where self-care is the social media zeitgeist, survival mode is mentioned everywhere from self-help podcasts to freezer meal cooking videos. 

You certainly know what it is even if you’ve never referred to it as such. Survival mode is our defense mechanism during those seasons of life where we can’t mentally or physically do “all the things” or even “some of the things.”

 Pregnancy, illness, hospitalization, the death of a loved one, a busy season at work. These are all times we might find ourselves in survival mode. Last year I wrote about a high ankle sprain that had me off my feet for 6 weeks and radically changed the way I felt about self-care. 

 But, I’ve also had mini-seasons of life that required survival mode. As a teacher in a high needs, inner-city public school in Texas, the weeks leading up to out “testing season” were exhausting and left me with very little energy to do much more when I got home than loving my family. Lots of yoga pants, lots of carryout. 

 And sadly, the times in our life where we need to retreat to survival mode often come as surprises. The hospitalization of a child, or finding out a loved one is terminally ill aren’t usually events you can plan for or schedule around. They just happen. And they take all of our energy, time and patience to navigate. 

 So yes, it’s certainly a good thing that the idea of survival mode has been normalized and is getting talked about (both on social media and IRL). But, in our efforts to normalize survival mode, have we set women up for failure?

  I hear so much about survival mode. What I hear less of is advice on how to exit survival mode. Because however necessary survival mode may be, it’s not a state of being we want to stay in forever. We don’t just want to survive, we want to thrive. 

 Eventually, we have to return to reality and move forward in our lives. But how? So much of how we exit survival mode will depend on how we entered it. Was life chugging along smoothly before, or were things a bit precarious? Did whatever event led us to survival mode take more of a physical toll or an emotional one? 

As a starting point, try these 5 strategies and give yourself plenty of grace in the process:

Set and End Date

 Yes, there will be times that survival mode has no end in sight. Particularly, when an illness is involved. But, there are other times, when we’ve passed through the event and are standing in the aftermath. 

 In that case, we have to have a light at the end of the tunnel. Take a long hard look at the state of things, grab a calendar and set and set a date where you hope to be “back to normal.” Maybe it’s in two weeks, or six weeks, or six months. The point is to set a date and work backward making plans for how you’ll get there.

 Put First Things, First

 Your house is a disaster area, you’ve cycled between PB and J and Jimmy Johns every day for the past week, you beauty routine can best be described as prison chic, and the only exercise you’ve managed this month is moving the basket of unfolded clothes in and out of the dryer to “fluff.” I get it. I’ve been there. 

 Trying to fix every area of your life as you transition out of survival mode is a recipe for disaster. Pick one or two areas that are going to make you feel the most “normal” and focus there first. 

 Ask for Help

Hopefully, you’ve been leaning on friends and family during survival mode. We were never intended to walk through life’s joys and suffering alone. We were built for community. 

 Exiting survival mode is no different. If a deep house cleaning is going to be the thing that snaps you back to reality, make sure everyone in your home is doing their best to help. If the budget allows, hire a cleaner (just this once). 

 If you’ve got everything else under control, but you could really use a hand with school pick-ups, ask for it. If you’ve always debated paying the extra 10 dollars for grocery pick up, now’s the time. Yes, 10 dollars every week adds up. But, do you know what else adds up: carry out three times a week because you don’t have groceries in the house. 

 The point is, take whatever areas of life you identified as key to helping you feel normal again, and get the help you need to achieve whatever that goal is. 

Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First

 Seriously. As mothers, we say it to each other all the time. We give this advice to new moms with fussy newborns. We offer it to stressed-out working mammas and overwhelmed homeschoolers. The phrase is practically embroidered on those God awful paper panties they send you home from the hospital in after delivery. But, we never take our own advice. We never, PUT. OUR. OXYGEN. MASK, ON. FIRST. 

The wisdom is solid. We can’t be there for our families and thrive in our vocation if we’re on empty. Yet, it’s so hard. 1000 posts could be written on this subject alone. Let me just say this: If there was ever a time to take this advice and tend to our self-care, it’s now.  

 You will never escape survival mode if you are pouring all of your time and energy into others. You have to get your metaphorical house in order before you can get your actual house in order. 

Let it Go

 So, your holiday season was spent in and out of hospital rooms and the chateaubriand you planned for Christmas dinner was replaced by kung pao chicken. Or, you spent the few warm, sunny months of the summer with your head in the toilet. Or, you had to cancel the vacation you’ve been planning for two years. Or, you had to plan the whole funeral on your own while your siblings jetted into town the day before. 

 I get it. The event that launched us into survival mode in the first place, is rarely pleasant. The fall out is predictably negative. But, you have to let it go. 

 Of course, trauma needs to be dealt with. See the therapist, talk to the priest, pray, reflect. Just, please don’t feel guilty because you’ve spent time in survival mode. It happened (whatever “it” is). You’ve lost some time and momentum. It’s ok. Let it go.

I know all this is easier said than done. I just hope that if you’ve stumbled upon this humble blog post in a particularly difficult time of your life, know that I am NOT one of those voices telling you to “toughen up” or “fight harder.” If anything, my fight or flight response is skewed in the opposite direction. I’m a hard-wired flighter. I’ve retreated many times into survival mode.

It’s just that I think all women deserve to fell in control of their lives. Not victims of unfortunate circumstances. You deserve to get back to whatever “normal” looks like for you. In fact, you deserve better than that. 

Suffering is guaranteed in this world. But mamma, you can overcome suffering. You can turn the page of your own story and you can exit survival mode.