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How to “Expertly” Style a Room in 50 Easy Steps

How to “Expertly” Style a Room in 50 Easy Steps

A little satire for anyone out there as clueless about interior design as I am:

1. Notice while cleaning up your child’s spilled yogurt how dingy your current area rug is.

2. Pause to proclaim to anyone listening that this time you are serious, “no more food in the living room!”

3. Consider that it may be time to redecorate said room.

4. Search Pinterest for something incredibly specific and niche like, “nice living room.”

5. Immediately become overwhelmed by the volume of results your very specific search provided.

6. Temporarily walk away from Pinterest to fix a cup of coffee( or wine).

7. Decide that you are a grown person and honestly how hard can this whole interior design thing be?

8. Go back to “the google” and begin to narrow down the search.

9. Begin to notice a disturbing pattern of something called “shiplap”.

10. No, but seriously why so much shiplap?

11. Determine that shiplap is just one element of a “farmhouse chic” movement that has consumed nearly all of interior design available to non-gazillionaires.

12. Curse the names Chip and Joanna Gaines!

13. Immediately feel bad, because they are probably perfectly nice people.

14. Ask helpful internet friends what resources they use for interior design inspiration.

15. Become temporarily distracted by online quiz promising to determine your design style.

16. Pause to wonder if you could pass slightly dated IKEA furniture off as “distressed Scandinavian.”

17. Settle on replacing area rug and throw pillows.

18. Begin to price out area rugs.

19. Pick yourself off the floor when most of the area rugs you really like cost more than your first car.

20. Notice small child heading towards family room with an open food container. Oh, no he didn’t!

21. Realize that previous plan to feed family nothing but Ramen for a month to afford fancy area rug is misguided.

22. Head to moderately priced home furnishings store with family to look at rugs.

23. Instantly become overwhelmed by all the stuff.

24. Seriously, is that a shiplapped garbage can?

25. Lose track of one or more children.

26. Wonder why your husband has a painting of a dinosaur in the cart.

27. Decide you need to tackle this job alone.

28. Plan to return to the store during a two-hour child-free block the next day.

29. Become distracted by ALL THE THINGS the next day and actually only have 25 minutes to devote to rug purchase.

30. Head to rug section of store.


32. Realize you forgot to measure space.

33. Immediately lose all sense of spatial reasoning.

34. Decide that your living room is probably 4’x39’.

35. Know that your estimate is probably not right.

36. Realize you have 6 minutes left and begin to fold under pressure.

37. Consider coming back again next weekend.

38. Remember the dinosaur painting and decide to “go for it”.

39. Purchase 5’x7’ rug which seems to be a common size.

40. Walk out of the store feeling like you are winning at life.

41. Decide that this design thing really isn’t that hard. They should give you an HGTV show.

42. Arrive home only to discover that 5’x’7’’ is definitely not the size you need.

43. Consider briefly crumpling to the floor in despair or running away from home.

44. Return to the store the next day to buy area rug in the appropriate size (armed with actual measurements).

45. Pour a cup of coffee (or wine) to celebrate new expertly styled living room.

46. Notice out of the corner of your eye that small child is slowly heading towards living room with food item.

47. See the whole scene unfold in slow motion as child collides with (dog, toy, other child, etc.) and spill previously mentioned food item on new rug.

48. Use up your allotment of “accidental, in front of kids swear words” for the decade.

49. Dramatically march to the kitchen to retrieve carpet cleaner under the sink.

50. Notice the cabinets are looking a little dated…

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